Current mood:	angry
Current music:	How did we get here? I used to know you so well...

How is it that the days I post to livejournal tend to turn into the worst days of my life? That being said, let's jump on in.

I love fall. But with each crumpled leaf which hits the concrete I feel the creep of cold, mundane patterns crawl up my bones. I am a creature of habit. I don't want it to be this way, and the fact that I feel it coming... another dispair, another unfortunate ending only a matter of time away, well, it's hard to be encouraging. I feel like the memories of the last year will haunt my days and nights, cloud my hopes and dreams with a fringe of darkness, making it impossible to decipher my true feelings.

I want so much to be who I've been striving to be. Some days it's so hard, and nights bring short-lived, agonizing tears but for what am I crying? For a memory of a love that never was? From bitterness that it never will be? From spite of myself for not knowing how to let it go? I want to. I want it gone. If 'Eternal Sunshine' was an option, I'd opt for it.

But as is, I feel I can't move on. I can't be who I want to be and what's the point when there isn't someone to better yourself for? I can't do things for myself because I'm not worth the effort. God I wish, I wish this feeling was over. I wish I could live for myself again.

I was never uncertain before. My mind was made of crytaled decisions. Life was black and white. And the gray of it all won't leak out now. As soon as I think it's gone it reappears like the damn fruit flies.

I want to be good. I want to be happy. I want to have confidence. I want to be the best part of someone's day, someone's night. I used to have confidence, but it peeled away like the dried leaves.

What do I have to do? Give me an answer because I'm done with this life the way it is! This isn't me! I can't let this be my life! I can't let it dull everything for the rest of my existance. Rid me of this fucking plague because I'm ready to do things for me. I'm ready to smile just because. I'm ready to try new things. I'm ready to be busy with myself.

Just please let it hurry.