| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2009|02:45 pm] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | What's Really Going On |
| | How did we get here? I used to know you so well... | ] |
How is it that the days I post to livejournal tend to turn into the worst days of my life? That being said, let's jump on in.
I love fall. But with each crumpled leaf which hits the concrete I feel the creep of cold, mundane patterns crawl up my bones. I am a creature of habit. I don't want it to be this way, and the fact that I feel it coming... another dispair, another unfortunate ending only a matter of time away, well, it's hard to be encouraging. I feel like the memories of the last year will haunt my days and nights, cloud my hopes and dreams with a fringe of darkness, making it impossible to decipher my true feelings.
I want so much to be who I've been striving to be. Some days it's so hard, and nights bring short-lived, agonizing tears but for what am I crying? For a memory of a love that never was? From bitterness that it never will be? From spite of myself for not knowing how to let it go? I want to. I want it gone. If 'Eternal Sunshine' was an option, I'd opt for it.
But as is, I feel I can't move on. I can't be who I want to be and what's the point when there isn't someone to better yourself for? I can't do things for myself because I'm not worth the effort. God I wish, I wish this feeling was over. I wish I could live for myself again.
I was never uncertain before. My mind was made of crytaled decisions. Life was black and white. And the gray of it all won't leak out now. As soon as I think it's gone it reappears like the damn fruit flies.
I want to be good. I want to be happy. I want to have confidence. I want to be the best part of someone's day, someone's night. I used to have confidence, but it peeled away like the dried leaves.
What do I have to do? Give me an answer because I'm done with this life the way it is! This isn't me! I can't let this be my life! I can't let it dull everything for the rest of my existance. Rid me of this fucking plague because I'm ready to do things for me. I'm ready to smile just because. I'm ready to try new things. I'm ready to be busy with myself.
Just please let it hurry. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2009|11:38 am] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| |  optimistic | ] |
Strangely excited today... =D |
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| IM GOING TO KILL HIM. |
[May. 5th, 2009|05:58 pm] |
IHateAim08 (11:52:49 PM): Can I ask you a potentially awkward question that you don't have to answer if you don't want to? heh
mysterialite (11:53:02 PM): sure
IHateAim08 (11:54:20 PM): actually never mind... I can't think of the proper way to word it without sending the wrong message
mysterialite (11:54:48 PM): why matt instead of you?
IHateAim08 (11:55:50 PM): sort of... but I'm not trying to imply that I want it to be me... my life is much too complicated as it is. I'm just curious. What's different?
IHateAim08 (11:58:02 PM): lol I keep typing messages and then erasing them, sorry. The whole "is typing" message is probably going crazy
mysterialite (11:58:13 PM): i don't see that actually
mysterialite (11:58:15 PM): so no worries
mysterialite (11:58:19 PM): what do you want to say?
IHateAim08 (12:00:38 AM): just a sec...
mysterialite (12:00:54 AM): mmkay
IHateAim08 (12:04:07 AM): lol damnit... I don't know what I'm trying to ask. I don't want to make things weird
IHateAim08 (12:04:18 AM): I like where we're at :-D
mysterialite (12:05:56 AM): i doubt i could give you a very good answer anyway
IHateAim08 (12:09:06 AM): It's cool. I'm only curious because it's not the first time something like this has happened. Like I told you before, I'm worried that if I end things with Becka I'll just end up alone. You're pretty much the first person in a long time that has even payed attention to the fact I exist outside of the friends I already have.
IHateAim08 (12:09:45 AM): Which is why I wonder why the difference is between matt and I... So that if I need to in the future, I can fix what I'm doing wrong to make people not interested
IHateAim08 (12:09:53 AM): I guess... best I can explain it
mysterialite (12:10:36 AM): i think you and i are really similar in a lot of ways
mysterialite (12:10:56 AM): one of them being that we both have sort of darker, more brooding personalities.
mysterialite (12:11:14 AM): i think we both need someone brighter, an optimistic influence.
mysterialite (12:12:02 AM): neither of us smile unless provoked.
IHateAim08 (12:13:19 AM): makes sense
mysterialite (12:15:21 AM): the guy i fell in love with, forever ago. he cracked me up constantly. but he could have a serious conversation, and he worked hard and he was smart. it was still the laughter that drew me in.
mysterialite (12:16:19 AM): i don't know what that has to do with anything, except that it made me realize that laughter is the one thing i need most.
mysterialite (12:17:02 AM): it just seemed like you needed that too
mysterialite (12:17:56 AM): and i'm not naturally happy enough to be funny, or funny enough to be happy... there's no way i could give that to you
IHateAim08 (12:20:10 AM): A lot of that makes sense, but you're wrong about that last part. I've been happier in the past 2 weeks than I have been in a long time... and the only thing that has changed is you being a part of my life
IHateAim08 (12:20:21 AM): You always make me smile.. I can't explain why
IHateAim08 (12:22:13 AM): It's interesting because Becka and I always used to laugh... it's all we did. We had so much fun together
IHateAim08 (12:22:35 AM): But she's the same as me... the dark, brooding personality
IHateAim08 (12:22:45 AM): and it hasn't lasted
mysterialite (12:23:21 AM): where is she now?
IHateAim08 (12:23:29 AM): about 5 feet away
IHateAim08 (12:23:31 AM): laying in bed
mysterialite (12:23:47 AM): i hope you don't save your aim logs
IHateAim08 (12:23:58 AM): I don't
mysterialite (12:24:22 AM): i don't want her to hate me
IHateAim08 (12:26:06 AM): she wont
mysterialite (12:26:36 AM): i might, if i were her.
mysterialite (12:26:49 AM): anyway
mysterialite (12:27:05 AM): you have to do what's right for you
mysterialite (12:27:50 AM): i just hope i don't have anything to do with your decision.
mysterialite (12:28:05 AM): other than being someone who can listen, unbiased
IHateAim08 (12:30:20 AM): I'm not considering leaving her because I think there's any chance of us being together, if that's what you're getting at. You like Matt :-P Well, 10% of you does. I'm not trying to interfere. You have made me realize that I'm missing happiness in my life though... so in that way you may or may not impact my decision
IHateAim08 (12:32:04 AM): Anyway, this has gone way beyond my original intention. I apologize
mysterialite (12:32:14 AM): it's cool
mysterialite (12:32:20 AM): it's a good conversation to have
mysterialite (12:33:11 AM): i was a little worried that you liked me, yeah
mysterialite (12:33:20 AM): so, that's a relief i guess
mysterialite (12:34:26 AM): if that makes sense
IHateAim08 (12:34:55 AM): Yeah I wouldn't want to be liked by me either :-P
mysterialite (12:35:20 AM): not you, just someone in your position
IHateAim08 (12:35:29 AM): fair enough
mysterialite (12:36:26 AM): i mean like... maybe in six months or a year or something... but not now
mysterialite (12:36:34 AM): haha
mysterialite (12:36:44 AM): yay, Luke and Han have their medals
IHateAim08 (12:37:05 AM): maybe we should do one of those marriage pacts you were talking about the other day :-P we'll set it for 32 years old though, just in case that other guy still wants to go through with it at 31
IHateAim08 (12:37:07 AM): lol
mysterialite (12:37:27 AM): i was 28, he was 31
mysterialite (12:37:29 AM): but yeah
IHateAim08 (12:37:41 AM): knew 31 was involved...
IHateAim08 (12:37:46 AM): oh well
IHateAim08 (12:37:49 AM): Anyway, kidding :-D
mysterialite (12:38:01 AM): that's a knee-slapper
mysterialite (12:38:03 AM): :-P
IHateAim08 (12:38:24 AM): yeah not so much...sorry |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2009|12:23 am] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| |  sleepy | ] |
ARGH! I'm so broke!
Where's my wealthy fairy godmother? Don't we get those? Pretty sure now would be a good time =) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2008|10:18 pm] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| |  excited | ] |
p.s. WANTS TO LOOK IN THE BOX!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2008|02:07 pm] |
I have never felt like things were going so well in my whole life. Hollistically, my life is great right now. The only thing I'd change is having more gal pals that I can actually relate to and hang out with. Talked to Lynsey Joy for like, an hour today. It was nice to catch up. Might get together tomorrow. Anyway, I'm happy. Relieved.
And hanging out with the boys the last couple nights was nice too. I know I don't have a penis, and I don't play half the hours of video games they play in a week, but I do know some things about boy things. lol. I dunno, it's just nice to be around people who know me. I see hundreds of strangers a week who i have to fake interest in. So yeah, being around friends is cool. |
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| On the Edge of Stark-Raving Mad |
[Nov. 6th, 2008|06:04 pm] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| |  blah | ] |
I was tired all day. I slept ok, for me, waking up only once around 5:30 (a new ritual from the past few weeks) and only 15 mins before my alarm went off (which is better than the hour or so I lay in bed with stomach problems, wondering when the day will begin and trying to will myself back to sleep). I think part of the tiredness if lack of hydration. I've been drinking these FUZE drinks at work to try and drink as little caffeine as possible. Up side: they're huge, packed full of vitamins, and taste, well, as meh as most other juice drinks taste, but hell, anything's better than water. Water sucks. Down side: it's not pop, and it's not water.
So now the tiredness is waning, but there's now a strange calm, kind of what you get when the F5 tornado just passed through, but for the next few seconds you're amazed because you're alive and unharmed. I guess I'd ask myself why not me? Why did Ned Flander's whole family die when I just have a few busted windows? Was there some mistake? Shouldn't my house be in ruins? The doom has passed, for now, but, living on tornado valley, you can't be surprised to lose it all again soon. Mmmm.... metaphors. Anyway, I feel grateful, relieved, and underlying it all is reserve, caution. Has the storm passed?
On to work. I feel like I've been slacking the last few days because of my exhaustion. And now is the worst time for that. I need to be on my best behavior if I'm going to snag that assistant manager position. But, being better than my best every day for the next two months? That's a lot from me, especially when I allow outside events to influence my work ethic. But I'm hopeful, and not to sound, well YOU KNOW, but I really think I'm the best candidate for the job.
Speaking of outside influences, I need more. Positive ones. I want to make new friends. All of my close friends don't live around here. Lame. And I need less time to think. I let too much bother me, I always have. I don't know why I care so much about little things that don't matter, that I can't really change anything about. The meds worked for a while, but should I go on them again? Do I need to take a test first? And would Trevor be disappointed? Or is he more disappointed now? Hm.
Stupid questions. Always worrying about what someone else will think. I shouldn't care, but then I wouldn't be me.
I saw a little girl in Victoria's Secret with her dad today. She was probably 4. Cutest thing. Gigantic white bow holding the front half of her soft, sandy, baby hair off to the side. Was watching, waiting in line behind him (just the dad, no mom in sight, pushing a stroller with a baby in it also, mind you). He was getting panties for his wife. The girl would stick out her tiny tongue and he'd grab it between his thumb and forefinger, making her giggle hysterically. His left berkinstock had a hole in the bottom about an inch in diameter, and he definitely needed a hair cut. And, refusing to believe this innocent man was buying lingerie for a mistress, I think it was the sweetest thing I've witnessed since the pumpkin carving.
Starving, will hopefully find something edible in the fridge. |
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| Random, Reckless Abandon |
[Nov. 2nd, 2008|02:28 pm] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| |  happy | ] |
You know, things are pretty good. It's been years since I felt the need to vent my frustration with life on this page everyday. But it's also been years since my LJ has really touched anyone else's.
My poor struggling little piece of mind, reaching out to trace the edges of another, if only briefly. It feels a little disconnected now, to be honest. And little too personal at the same time. Six eyes of three men are all that glance upon it's ravings, and where once that may have been a pleasure to me it now seems like a confined hell.
What to say that one doesn't already know, that one's eyes would sate his mad thirst, and one who casually observes throwing reckless insights? What to say that would inspire or derail or ...?
It's been a long time, that I've wanted to express my love for that laugh, and if you can't think of the one, that's all the better for my ears to hear it more. The instant before instinct tells you to suppress it, my whole world slows, like a record's speed suddenly contorted by one finger, and my ears prick at the sound I've been waiting for all along.
I can't express my joy at being spoiled by the man who denies himself to all. How blessed were all the events leading to this, how lucky I have been to allow love another biting chance at the shreds of my heart now whole. The thoughts of being torn from him are palpable, and invite instant misery to a perfectly mundane afternoon. However, the prospect of a life's time of bliss is truly inviting. I fear I've ended on an insufficient note, and while I remain positive in heart, the gloom of the weather takes it's toll upon me. But, as I stated, I cannot express my joy, and maybe the statement was truer than I supposed, for while I am immensely over-joyed, I lack the ways to define much more at the moment.
I've been disappointed by the seasons this year: my bubbling enthusiasm for them in my youth has disappeared. I suppose they've slipped by so suddenly the last few years, that the only affection for them I retain are the smells of the wind. The scent of dampened earth, rotting wood and dried leaves, the smell of decay and death and bitterness on the wind... I love it.
Do I really preserve enough while relieving enough for those three wandering, glitters sets who skim these words? I haven't satisfied myself enough, but it's of no matter, especially when I must take advantage of the good dealt alongside the path under my feet.
My only worry is the frost of winter: will I be able to balance upon the icy, delicate rocks of fortune long enough to last 'til spring and the aromas of fresh, waking life? All I can hope is my sanity does not desert me for hibernation, and I am willing myself to believe all will be well.
For once, I feel at peace. It may be hard to breathe, but nonetheless, I feel happiness constricting around me, and I'm determined to see it through. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2008|12:26 pm] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
Still my favorite poem
I hardly know what to say, but I feel strangely compelled to explain myself. but to whom? about what?
I've hit a wall. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2008|04:55 pm] |
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oh, how you make me laugh! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|11:51 pm] |
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what does one have to do in order to be a pharmacy tech? |
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| The Last Huzzah |
[Jan. 16th, 2008|11:57 am] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| | ready | ] |
I don't think I've ever met anyone that's had the guts to betray me so badly, and surely think that they've done nothing wrong... selfish, ignorant
It should no longer leave any wonder that you are not worth my time because i am apparently so disposable to you, even after everything I did, the sacrifices I made for you that you refuse to acknowledge because you want to think you're right. But, the fact is, I'm smarter. You will never be right over me because your judgement is forever clouded by your ability to see nothing but your own wishes.
I'm smarter, and that's why I didn't rely on you. I'm smarter, so I knew you weren't dependable; I'm smarter, and I saw this coming long before you even began to have an inkling of a thought about it.
After all I have done, without thanks, without ny sense of gratitude, to be dusted aside for anyone who is closer to your level of rediculousness, and therefor will grant agreeableness and enable you to make the horrible decisions you make while applauding your excellence! Hurrah! You are vain and insensitive! Cheers! No, don't feel guilty (although you leave key element out to make yourself look better)! And one last huzzah, because I no longer sit by waiting to dig you out of the crap you get yourself into.
You are a liar. You are ignorantly selfish. You are a back-stabber to the one person who always had YOUR back. And you will miss me. |
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| Saying Much, Without Saying Anything At All |
[Jan. 11th, 2008|01:10 pm] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| |  indescribable | ] |
I've been making a constant effort over the past 3 years to better myself. Well, that's when I finally started producing results of efforts. I always believed I had been trying before, when now that I look back, I realize the 2 years before that was spent in selfishly living my life to the fullest, when the 17 years prior I felt more of an observer of life. Most of my life was spent as if I were reading the events in my life in a novel; I was detatched, in a sense, so wholly unconnected to the characters and their dilemas, and every scene had a gray haze lingering at it's edges.
Atonement. I've started this book, and I have never seen so much of myself in anything, much less a fictional character. Briony at 13, with her wild imagination... I cannot describe how much my mind was like hers...
It's been so long since I've attempted to write my thoughts, and there are so many of them I am exhausted already. It was usually a struggle for me to tie a paragraph of my thoughts into another, but I'll do my best until this entry is through.
So I struggle on with my plan of the last 3 years, weeding out that which with poison me, those people and situations I can no longer put effort into in order to spare myself.
I'm going through a very big change right now, and it will be interesting to see how this new chapter will be reflected upon. |
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| Snap back to reality |
[Oct. 17th, 2007|03:48 pm] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| | lethargic | ] |
Hello all of you out there! Which, I'm assuming is not really anyone anymore. But that's ok. I just need somewhere to vent, I suppose. And I really need to vent about the people who are bugging me. And since no one reads this I feel fairly safe. For now.
But, if you choose to read on, this is your warning. I cannot hold myself back much longer, and I am tired of not saying what I really think about all of you and how annoyed I am (even though I'm sure you think I hold nothing back, you would be surprised if you heard what I truely think).
I hate natural instincts. Eat, sleep, survive, reproduce, etc. While the last few months I feel like I'm crawling at the edge of a very deep dirt hole to survive, the thing I really seem to be clinging to is an idea that has been growing rapidly more violent in my mind: I want a baby. Ugh, but I don't! My heart and body say "Baby!!!! Now!" while the rest of me knows how not ready I am. Especially since I need a few key ingredients first: either a turkey baster and a cup of whiz kid jiz, or an actual guy who matches my very high standards (not easy to find... or once it is... well, still complicated).
I am emotionally exhausted. I've been stretched too thin. My friends only call to bitch, not to see how I really am (although courtesy says they must ask, but the true aim is clear), I have no men in my life that don't want me, and somehow I've never felt less attractive in my life. My family doesn't quite hear me when I talk... I keep going but they don't really listen past certain points. But basically, I feel pressure from every angle and I really just want to escape. I need to get away, because it isn't ending. It's been months and I can't catch a break. I can't take a breath. I need a change. I'm getting that itch again where I gotta break outta here...
Well I suppose that's all for now. Let me know if you hear me.
<3 bek |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2007|04:40 pm] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| | drained | ] |
hey it's me. weird that two of my friends decided to post today when there has been no action on this page for months. Also weird that I should see it.
Still around,
Bek |
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| bored : |
[Mar. 2nd, 2007|12:57 pm] |
OK, well no one has posted in a while, so I thought I'd liven things up with some quizzes...
| You Are 28 Years Old | 
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
| Your Hillbilly Name Is... | 
Betty Sue Harley |
I thought that one was funny cuz Betty is my Great Aunt's name, Sue is my mom's middle name and Harley is my old cat's name (and the name of my parents bikes!) |
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| Hit me with your best shot. |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|03:19 pm] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| |  loved | ] |
Ask me a question about each of the following;
1. Friends
2. Sex
3. Music
4. Drugs
5. Love
6. Myself
No matter how rude, sexual, or confidential.
Wanna know honest? Fire away. |
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| Seasons Greetings! |
[Dec. 18th, 2006|04:43 pm] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| |  hungry | ] |
| [ | What's Really Going On |
| | Will & Grace | ] |
So I checked my LJ today, and no one has posted! My friends page is totally blank! I don't think that has happened in the 6 years I've had this site! lol Craziness.
Well the new job is pretty sweet. I'm making money, making friends and kickin ass!!! Okay, maybe not kickin ass, but you know. Thanks to everyone for the support, it really means a lot to me that you guys all come in to let me play with your hair. =)
I'm still getting over this stupid cold! Hopefully I'll stop coughing up junk soon. Which reminds me of DAVE! "Wanna see what I coughed up?" And I need a back massage really bad! Congrats on the new job buddy, I hope it's going well.
Anyone know what's going on Holiday party-wise? I hear rumors about going to Ma Tsu's on the 23rd, but I'm not really sure what's up with that. Plus, I need something to do on New Years! I haven't been in town the last couple years so what do people do around here? Anyone getting togehter? I'd be down for some drinking in the new year. Maybe some Catch Phrase. So someone lemme know what's up!
I'm excited for Baby Lewis to pop out. Hurry up! I wanna play with you! =)
On another note, I think things with Trevor and I are patched up, in case anyone who reads this was wondering. Yay!
I think I'm pretty much done XMas shopping... might need to pick up a couple things still... hmm...
Tonight is the CJ Video party. Tom wants me to go, but I have to work from 3-10 which means I'll be sleepy and probably moody when I get out; PLUS my three FAVORITE gals might not even be there! So I dunno if that's gonna happen. I guess we'll see!
Okay, this has been pretty random, but no biggie. If I don't talk to ya,
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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***MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!***
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*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ |
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| Happy Thanksgiving!!! |
[Nov. 23rd, 2006|04:45 pm] |
| [ | Yeah, I'm Feelin Pretty |
| | hungry | ] |
Hey Everyone! Happy Happy Turkey Day! Let's all eat the Indian way!! Happy Turkey Day!
P.S. We got a new puppy! |
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